HEY, KIDS! COMICS!

In the interests of clearing stacks of accumulated junk out of my apartment, I have put together a list of books and comics for sale or trade. You'll never find better deals anywhere! The list will always be accessible from the sidebar, so check it often, as I'll be adding (and hopefully removing) stuff fairly regularly.

And while I'm pretending to be a real comics blogger, let's take a look at

PREVIEWS FOR COMICS SHIPPING IN OCTOBER 2005!



Infinite Crisis! INFINITE CRISIS, BABY! Superman and Batman are BFFs no more! Batman totally saw Superman with his tongue down Vicki Vale's throat behind the Tastee Freeze, and he'll be damned if he's gonna ride in the same limo to prom as that backstabbing loser! God, Batman can't wait to get out of this dump and go to college. Batman heard college chicks will have sex just like that and aren't all clingy and weird like high school girls. Batman can't believe he has to spend the summer working at his dad's feed store! God! August is so far away!

Here's an idea that Dan Didio can have, free of charge: once all this Infinite Crisis hoo-ha is over, collect the entire thing--the Countdown, the four lead-in miniseries, Identity Crisis, all the tie-in issues, and the Crisis itself--into a series of affordable digest-size paperbacks, with everything arranged chronologically, so interested parties can read the whole thing without buying two dozen different trades and trying to figure out how it all fits together. I'm not sure if I'm one of those interested parties, to be honest--I've read a few issues of the buildup and none of it has really grabbed me--but the part of me that's still 14 years old is still a sucker for the whole cohesive-universe, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! aspect of it. And if the whole thing was available cheaply and easily, I might be tempted to read it.



McFarlane Toys is making Napoleon Dynamite action figures. Now you can relive the catchphrases that entertained your stoned friends for two weeks last summer! Sweet Pegasus, or something!

What else...I'm already bored with this...

John Romita, Jr. is the next "Marvel Visionary" to get a retrospective hardcover. That's pretty nice, though it seems odd that it includes only two issues of Daredevil: Man Without Fear, a five-issue series. I think it would make more sense to either include the whole thing or nothing at all.

I like the concept of the Marvel Visionaries books; so far they've done Jack Kirby, Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, John Romita Sr., Chris Claremont and JRJR, all of whom are pretty much no-brainers. I'm interested to see who'll get the treatment next. I guess Roger Stern or Roy Thomas would be popular favorites, though I've never read their stuff. Maybe Neal Adams. I'd love to see a Bill Sienkiewicz Visionaries, focusing I guess on Moon Knight, New Mutants and other, more obscure non-Elektra/Daredevil stuff, and even his inking work. A Sam Kieth book would also get my vote; you could probably fit all of his Marvel work into one book. Jim Lee seems like an obvious choice. Actually, all the original Image guys do, though I can understand if Marvel doesn't really feel like promoting them. Then there are guys like John Byrne, Walter Simonson or Frank Miller, who already have Visionaries series devoted to their work on particular characters. It might be interesting to see collections of their more obscure Marvel work (though in Miller's case I think most, if not all, of his Marvel work has already been picked over for reprinting).

Okay, yeah. I'm officially bored with this. Now I see why I'm not part of the comics blogosphere.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

If you live in New York, Philly, Atlantic City, Boston or Martha's Vineyard, and you are attending the Comedians of Comedy tour over the next few days, I have an urgent message for you:

Get me a copy of Patton vs. Alcohol vs. Zach vs. Patton and a "Pain Go Bye-Bye" shotglass, and I will be your Best Friend Forever. I'll sign your yearbook in purple glitter ink!* And also pay you back the money and maybe throw in some comics or a CD or something.

I know this East Coast-only tour is LA's punishment for being able to see these guys pretty much whenever we want, but I'm not going to just sit still and take it.

*You can choose one of three personalized messages:
"Have a great summer!"
"You're a really sweet guy/girl. It was great getting to know you in Mr. Schumacher's class (bleh!)"
"Sorry about the genital warts! Ha ha"

EVERYTHING IDOL | Quarterfinals, Heat 2

A tie between Art and Water in Heat 1 means that I have to make an executive decision; therefore, Art wins and will move on to the Semifinals.

Once again, our five judges will provide commentary on the contestants, though anyone and everyone may vote, and even the judges must vote in the comments if they truly wish their voices to be heard.

Unfortunately, two judges--who shall remain nameless, though they both hail from Athens (Coincidence?)--did not meet the deadline this week, so you'll have to make do with the wit and wisdom of Aaron, Gabe and the "Unknown Judge." The two delinquent judges should think long and hard about what they've done, and consider themselves lucky I haven't chosen to embarrass them with tales of drunken Jedi training.

On with Heat 2:



1. EMAIL

Aaron: I love email. Well...I love to receive email. I don't like sending it as much. But it's a great invention. Much faster than the lazy postal service, and you don't have to put a 37 cent stamp on an email. There are some downsides to it. It's responsible for that awful Nora Ephron film starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Still, it's a great invention. It's hard to imagine how I ever lived without it.

Gabriel: For some things it's ideal: stupid jokes, making group plans, flirting. I honestly don't know how people managed to have sex before e-mail happened. Also, it wants to enlarge your penis, which is very generous of it.

The "Unknown Judge": E-Mail provides me with numerous buisness opportunities with former government officials from Nigeria. I even had a chance to do business with Saddam Hussein's sons before they were killed. Likewise, e-mail lets me know that my accounts at various banks are being reviewed--even though I've never heard of these banks. And finally, e-mail sends me wonderful offers for personal products and interesting websites. The only good thing about e-mail is that I can sort of stay in touch with my two illustrious sons, whom some of you may or may not know.



2. INFINITE JEST BY DAVID FOSTER WALLACE

Aaron: I haven't read this book, but I think as a judge I need to be knowledgeable of everything I'm critiquing, so I'm going to read it now. 1,000 pages? Forget it. I get enough reading from cereal boxes.

Gabriel: Some of the jokes are sophomoric. (Year of the Depends Adult Undergarment?) The scenes with Marathe and Steeply on the mountainside are painfully dull. It's pretty clear that something climactic and important happens between the scene at the end of the book and the scene at the beginning, but no one has been able to figure out what it is, not even this guy, and that makes the plot feel like a crossword puzzle that no one but the author is smart enough to solve. And yet Infinite Jest is the only individual work of art to make it to the quarterfinals, and deservedly so. Because David Foster Wallace created enough characters to populate a small town, and he loves every one of them to pieces. Because the essayistic digressions about addiction and depression and physics and sports are wise as well as clever. Because Wallace is big enough to take things that seem inherently shallow and lame (twelve-step programs, adolescent competitive tennis) and demonstrate that they're just as interesting and rich and complex as your so-called life. Because Don Gately. Because this is the only book ever written that's more entertaining than television, and because it's actually too short.

The "Unknown Judge": Oddly, I have read Infinite Jest, and even though the book was very long, the print tiny, and the footnote print just really unbelieveable, I still liked the book. Don Gately is worth the effort. So, I encourage votes for Infinite Jest. I mean, I don't really think much of telephones, let alone e-mail.

Polls close at midnight, Wednesday, August 3.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Quarterfinals, Heat 1

Welcome to the (somewhat belated) first heat of the Everything Idol Quarterfinals. Once a week for four weeks, two of the quarterfinalists will go head-to-head, leaving only four Semifinalists standing. The eight quarterfinalists are:

Art, Water, Friends, Love, Science, Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, Kitties, Email

This round, we have five judges who will provide their opinions on the contestants. But everyone and anyone may still vote. In fact, the judges still have to vote if they want their voices officially heard. Their comments are meant only to guide you.

That said, let the quarterfinals begin:



1. ART

Aaron: What is art? Is Everything Idol art? Is art art? Art is great, because almost anything will have at least one person that sees art in that thing. For me, there's no higher art than Saved by the Bell.

Amy: "If it doesn't match the drapes, it's not worth having." Now, I don't know that I agree with that, but I am in favor of addressing just what this 'art' is. Only visual art? Where does performance art fit in? Who decides what is good art and what is bad? All in all, I would say that the concept of art is entirely too subjective to qualify as a universal Everything Idol. It has no sense of self. That being said, there is a place for gratuitous celebrations of the human love affair with life. And what is art if not the distillation of this affair, with all the attendant beauty and horror? Imagine life with no music, painting, literature, comedy, tragedy, etc, ad nauseum. Life would go on, of course. But would it be worth it?

Gabriel: So awesome that Life itself has been known to imitate it. Oscar Wilde called it "quite useless," but that was a lie: Art made him rich and got him laid, as it has for a lucky few in every generation since the dawn of time.

The "Unknown Judge":Well, I've always thought that Alex is better than Art ever was. I don't believe there's ever been a great Art in baseball -- and yeah, I remember Art Fowler. Art Linklater was funny when I was a kid, but the darndest thing is, he was no Regis Philbin. Of course, King Arthur was great, but he wasn't King Art. And Art Doyle would have written noir fiction, not Sherlock Holmes. I like Art Spiegelman, though he's a little mousy for some. I was just about to say that there had never been a truly great Art, when through the mist, Art Tatum came to mind. "God is in the house" for real -- the piano did not have enough keys for the man.

Of course it dawns on me that maybe you're not talking about the name Art. Water is necessary for life, but art, if you mean creative endeavors and products, is also necessary. What would life be without art. So I guess I'll vote for art, and I might still have voted for Art, once I had thought of Art Tatum.



2. WATER

Aaron: Sure water's needed for survival, but it's boring. It's colorless, tasteless, and just plain bland. And most water today is too polluted. I'm from Cleveland, where the water in Lake Erie was so polluted that it caught on fire.

Amy: This contestant most certainly has a tenacious claim on the title of Everything Idol. Possibly the cradle of life, very much the center of civilization, undoubtedly necessary for the daily functioning of organs and much of our man-made machinery. Water carved our earth, still shapes our lives, and I'm pretty sure after light it was the first thing created by our Lord. But water is a cruel mistress. Many have died at her hands. Hurricanes, floods, The Perfect Storm, the Titanic. Do we want our Everything Idol to be slightly homicidal? Could it be any different?

Chris: The choice is obvious here, and it's water. Why? Because you can swim in it. It's that simple. Yes, you can "swim" in art, but only if you're a 14-year-old bad poet. Anyway, you can look at art, appreciate art and have your worldview expanded, but it's only water that you can swim in. I mean, really, no competition here. Plus, you can add water to things, like condensed soup. Can you do that with art? No. Not even Warhol. Can you add art to whiskey? Can you freeze art to keep organs usable? Can you create a fun-park with art-slides? No, no and no. Any of you who vote for art are blind. (And since that's the case, what's the point anyway?)

Gabriel: Nice try, but there's a difference between greatness and necessity.

Polls close Wednesday, July 27 at midnight.

NOBODY ACTUALLY ASKED

but Hillary said I was famous, so that's good enough for me:

10 years ago: Probably in my third and final year at the Summer Enrichment Program at the University of Virginia (it was only two weeks out of the summer, but it always seemed to happen right around my birthday). I was in a creative writing class and wrote the short story in which I named a character "Busorama" (after a font) which of course is now my online ID. It's possible that the Program-ending shindig marked the the first time I danced in public (at least as a self-conscious semi-adult).

5 years ago: Took a beginning film class at the University of Southern California's Summer Production Workshop (obviously, I love Nerd Camp), making a handful of masterpieces. MASTERPIECES, I SAY! Read Infinite Jest for the first time. Ran out of mouthwash one morning, decided that rum might work just as well. It didn't.

1 year ago: Doing the exact same thing I'm doing right now: working for the Man, crushing the dreams of aspiring models all across this fine country.

Yesterday: Working for the Man, crushing dreams, etc. Semi-cleaned apartment in anticipation of houseguest. Cursed UPS for the third straight day for not delivering my birthday present from Amy.

Today: Going to the airport to pick up said houseguest, Chris, so we can go nerd out in San Diego (see below). Woke up at the crack of dawn (7:15) to renew my driver's license and wash my car, which is a new personal record for Things Accomplished before Noon.

Tomorrow: Same as yesterday. But Saturday: Nerd Prom! And maybe Meeta's Throwdown on the Eastside, time permitting.

5 snacks I enjoy: Hummus from Zankou Chicken. Take 5 bars. A special blend of Tropical Trail Mix, Yogurt Nut Mix and M&Ms. Red Delicious apples. White Chocolate Take 5 bars (also White Chocolate Kit Kat and White Chocolate Reeses's Peanut Butter Cups).

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Pixies. Living Colour. R.E.M. Pearl Jam. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: Oh, wow. That's $100 million. At first I thought it was $100,000. Let's assume responsible stuff is taken care of first (shelter, bills, charity, investment, elaborate gifts for family). Then: travel. When that gets old, make a movie; hopefully, with profits, make more. Start a comics-publishing house (maybe then we can actually find an artist, or at least lure Frank Quitely away from Grant Morrison). Open pizza/donut restaurant (The Leaning Tower of Donuts, also the name of our signature dessert) and comics store/coffeehouse (Panels: The Comics Bookstore); when not making movies, hang out at new businesses and be the eccentric rich guy. And maybe, finally, get that lightsaber with an iPod in the handle that I've been dreaming of.

5 locations I’d like to run away to: Florence. Havana. New York. Australia. Stars Hollow.

5 bad habits I have: Procrastination, which really encompasses all my other bad habits.

5 things I like doing: Updating my TiVo To Do List. Listening to Interpol's Antics while ellipticizing on the elliptical trainer. Informing people who compliment me on my new haircut that what I actually did was shave my hobo beard. Walking home from work (walking to work, not so much). Refusing to call these blog survey things "memes."

5 things I would never wear: This. These. This. These (anymore). This.

5 TV shows I like: (Limiting myself to shows that are currently airing) Rescue Me. Stella. Reno 911!. The Inside. Entourage.

5 Movies I like: (Limiting myself to those I've seen for the first time this year, in theatres or on DVD) Kung Fu Hustle. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. War of the Worlds. Batman Begins. Heavenly Creatures.

5 famous people I’d like to meet: Meeting famous people always seems cool, but inevitably disappoints. I'd rather meet cool people who become famous later.

5 biggest joys at the moment: Nerd Prom. The slim possibility that ANT POWERS!!!! might be doing something. Going to Joe's wedding in September. Finally receiving birthday present from Amy. Harry Potter 6, coming on Saturday (unless UPS screws it up).

5 favorite toys: TiVo. DC Direct Dark Knight Returns Batman. Clone Wars Kit Fisto. Lexar 256MB jump drive. Hulk Hands.

5 2 of you who are going to do your own: Amy. Courtney.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Meet the Judges

The Everything Idol Quarterfinals will get started real soon, but first, take a minute to acquaint yourselves with our illustrious panel of judges, who will offer their opinions on the quarterfinalists, thereby making your voting tasks much easier:



AARON was born on New Year's Eve in Cleveland, OH. He grew obsessed with TV, movies, music, and all types of entertainment. With his love of TV, he one day realized he could make money off it and he moved to LA. It took him a while to break in though, so took many odd end jobs. First, he was a street mime, but that didn't work out too well, being in LA where everyone drives and nobody walks in the streets. He then went through all sorts of crazy jobs like taxidermist, oceanographer, and bounty hunter, before landing in documentary/reality TV. Working in documentary TV helped him learn some more intellectual stuff. He now will let his knowledge of pop culture and high culture collide as a judge on Everything Idol.



AMY battled her way out of the swamp to try and start new in the pleasant atmosphere in the Appalachian foothills. She learned quickly that the natives are hostile and so she blends in by worshipping their Ultimate god. When not secretly sacrificing to her own personal pantheon, the Braves, Amy divides her time between disparaging the poorly executed artistic endeavors of others and figuring out how to clone Adrien Brody so that she can have one for her very own. She is an avid supporter of the Coffee for President movement and one day hopes to be a bookstore owner with the best public school legal education that money can buy.



CHRIS HASSIOTIS has been called many things by many people. The New York Times frequently refers to him as "a national treasure on par with Stephen Hawking and Mount Rushmore," and The Economist, in a 2004 in-depth profile, called him "one of the most promising young magicians of our time." Noted Hollywood actress Rosario Dawson knows him only as the best boyfriend she's ever had. But for the average Joe or Jane Neighborhood to know the real Chris Hassiotis (without sharing a bed/life with him) has been difficult. But no longer! In this photo, Hassiotis demonstrates the best way to understand his day-to-day activities; simply position your hands like so, and think of what you most desire. All your wishes will come true!



GABRIEL ROTH plays in the band Pony Boy and writes the "Edible Complex" column for the San Francisco Bay Guardian.



THE "UNKNOWN JUDGE" says: "I used to work on The Gong Show and have been looking for work since it was cancelled. I am totally without bias in this contest and promise not to be swayed by any sort of influence or bribe, including offers of free mousing for life."

Feel free to heckle/pester/question the sanity of the judges in the comments.

A PHOTOPLAY IN EIGHT PARTS










Friday. July 8.
9 pm: Drinks, Hulk Boxing and Hippo Races at Gardner's apartment.
Midnight: The Neverending Story at the Nuart; Gardner turns 26.
Gifts encouraged but not required.

EVERYTHING IDOL UPDATE

Infinite Jest squeaks out a victory in Heat 7, even without the late vote. The Quarterfinalist list now looks something like this:

Science
Love
Water
Email
Kitties
Friends
Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

You can still vote in Heat 8 until midnight on Wednesday. Quarterfinals begin next week.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

"Fuck. Summertime...summertime blues is what I have. You know why? Don't like the fucking summertime, 'kay? Think it sucks. Hot--sticky--sucks. Hot--sticky--sucks. 'Kay? 'Kay. People love the summertime, 'cause people are sheep. Good! Good answer, sir. Thank you. 'It's summertime and it's so good. It's hot and sticky, uh-huh.' I don't fucking get it, man. Gotta retire all my cool jackets for another fucking season, you know. I don't have to do that, but I don't wanna be, you know, hanging out in a leather jacket...in ninety degrees. That ain't cool, it's...HOT AND STICKY! Yes, sir, thank you. Good answer. Everyone goes to the beach. What is the--what is the--I don't get the bea--'Where you going, the beach? God, I love to go to the beach. Man, we could just go to the beach. God. What you wanna do? Go to the beach? Yeah! Uh, if I could live at the beach. Could you imagine that? Living at the beach?" What's the fucking deal with--it's where dirt meets water, all right? Chill out. That's it. End of fascination. I gotta bathtub and an imagination. I'm staying indoors this summer, all right? That way I can listen to music I like."

-Bill Hicks @ Funny Bone, Pittsburgh, PA, 6/20/91
Transcript from Love All the People

In other news, CRISIS AVERTED. We settled on Old School, which made a nice thematic capper (i.e. cheerleading scene, presence of Sara Tanaka, aka Margaret Yang).

In other other news, POLLS ARE STILL OPEN for Everything Idol Round 3, Heats 7 and 8. Vote in Heat 7 till the end of today, and in Heat 8 until midnight Wednesday. Quarterfinals begin next week.

SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU TO VOTE ON

Let's say, hypothetically, that a few people are going to have a little movie marathon on Saturday. Let's further say that two of these people, Person A and Person B, disagree on which movies to watch. They've agreed on a general high-school/college theme, and furthermore have agreed on Rushmore, which they both love, and Bring It On, of which Person A is a big fan and which Person B has not seen but is excited to. The problem arises when they try to choose the final film for the marathon. Person A recommends the 1985 Val Kilmer classic Real Genius, which Person B has never seen; Person B, however, wants to see the teenage Sarah Jessica Parker vehicle Girls Just Want to Have Fun, which would be new to Person A. Person A and Person B simply cannot come to a consensus here!

The question I put to you now is: which movie should they choose?